The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. Yes, you read the headline correctly. And this is a somewhat reasonable assumption, because this is a question that women ask more frequently. Women have to screen for creeps and monsters, not to mention dudes who will rhapsodize about the tender romance they really want, and then take off as soon as they get a blowjob.
Men are, of course, deceived in this fashion too, but not as often, and they tend not to worry about the woman getting violent. There are exceptions, of course, but sex on a first date is usually not great. There are a few things at play here. Probably, you've been drinking, which can affect performance in a number of ways. Likely, neither of the participants knows each other well. That means you don't know what the other person likes in bed, they don't know what you like, and since you probably just met, neither of you has much of a reason to care.
If things go badly, it's not the end of the world, right? Well, all of that is basically a recipe not just for bad sex — which is a reason enough to avoid first-date sex on its own — but also for sex that crosses lines. It's not pleasant, but yes, I'm saying it: Sex on a first date is more likely to be the kind of sex where the lines between consent and its absence are thoroughly blurred.
It might not be rape necessarily, but it's far from simply underwhelming sex. Unfortunately, our culture has this vision of the rapist or the sexual assaulter as being some masked creep hiding in the bushes. And why is it always bushes?
The reality is that these acts are overwhelmingly committed by people the victim knows already. And the other unfortunate reality is that lots of the perpetrators don't necessarily realize they've done anything wrong — because there wasn't some violent struggle; the other person just didn't seem very into it. Well, that "not very into it" should be a big, flashing red light to you. Often, that means the person is having a horrible time but is too scared to say anything. Consent is informed and enthusiastic — if your date doesn't seem like they're having the time of her life, stop right away and ask if everything's OK.
Again, on a first date, you don't know this person very well. That means you're more likely to misread them, and it also often means they'll feel less comfortable voicing their displeasure. Often, women in this situation will have to mentally calculate: I'm not saying you can't have hot, consensual sex on a first date. Far from it — I have on a number of occasions, and more than one of those hookups went on to turn into an actual relationship.
But I am saying that on a first date, the smart rule of thumb is to stop before going all the way. So much can go wrong if you're drunk and barely know each other that, in most cases, it's just not worth it.
If the chemistry is there, it'll still be there the second and third and fourth time around. By then, you might actually know each other well enough to discuss what does and doesn't work in the bedroom for you — and the anticipation you've built up will make the sex that much hotter.
This might sound strange to you, but trust me.