In the end, I did make one breakthrough. I could make dogs fuck me. Bethesda Softworks It wasn't the proudest moment of my career. But I didn't do it as part of Throgg's wacky adventures, a premise I had at some point abandoned without even realizing it.
I did it because I spent a day of my life figuring out how to let a dog fuck my Skyrim character, so goddammit, I was going to let a dog fuck my Skyrim character. I watched with exhausted detachment as my mighty orc stripped and kneeled on the cold cobbles, like a prisoner of war being told to kneel in front of an empty trench.
As the dog emotionlessly mounted me, his penis invisible because I had mercifully erred somewhere, a child walked by.
Then, when it was over and Throgg began his walk of shame, this message appeared. What was it trying to say? Was it supposed to be "You love fucking animals," an acknowledgment that I enjoyed the services this mod provided? Or was it a sarcastic "You love animals, fuck," as in "Holy shit, you are way too into animals"? Was the dog-fucking mod mocking me? I closed the game, turned off my computer, and sat in silence.
I realized that little girl was right. When you've dedicated that much time to letting a virtual dog sodomize your virtual stand-in, I don't care how ironically detached you are -- you ask yourself some questions. Like, "What does it say about modern civilization that people have the free time to design dog-fucking mods, and then I get paid to write about them? Like, on a fundamental level? Continue Reading Below Advertisement I was also conflicted about my failure.
Was I an idiot for not figuring out the technical nuances of a system that a forum full of people who jerk off to video games had mastered? Why did that bother me if the only people who would judge me for my ineptitude were those same masturbators?
Had I let my employer down by failing to deliver the Skyrim sex travelogue I had promised? What am I doing with my life if that's even a valid question?
When's the last time I talked to another human being? Why is my penis out? I found satisfactory answers to some of those questions, but others still haunt me.
And while I haven't played Skyrim since that fateful day, I think I'm going to wipe it clean and give it a go. Throgg and I are going to smash some heads, and that's not a euphemism.
And if in some forgotten corner of the map we discover Alicia Painslut, we will simply tell her we have no need for her services and leave for our next adventure. You can read more from Mark, including all about how he got mad laid in Oblivion, at his website. Skyrim is a pretty transformative experience here at Cracked.
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