Kasandra Brabaw photographed by Lauren Perlstein. Imagine you're at a party and a friend asks, "Who's the best sex you've ever had? That's a superpower as far as we're concerned. What's more, getting to know your own body through solo sex will make sex you have with a partner so much better because you'll actually be able to tell them what feels good. Keep in mind that even expert advice won't work for everyone, though, because you're the only expert on your own body.
O'Reilly says to use this advice as inspiration to try new things. As a sex educator for Babeland, Finn is often telling people not to masturbate like they have to accomplish something. The same could be said of partnered sex, btw. You don't have to have an orgasm for any type of sex, even masturbation, to be successful. And, for some people, the pressure to finish can put up a mental road block that'll make an orgasm pretty much impossible anyway.
So instead of worrying about whether you will or won't come, focus on how good touching yourself feels. There's a tendency for women who have vulvas to immediately try stimulating their clitoris when masturbating. But Finn wants you to break that habit, and start taking the time to turn yourself on first. Your body needs to warm up, and taking the time to touch yourself elsewhere will actually make it feel so much better when you do get to the clit. While many may not think of the brain as a sex organ, it's wildly important in the first step of any pleasurable sexual encounter: Finn suggests finding porn that works for you we have some suggestions here or looking into written erotica.
O'Reilly wants you to remember that sometimes the best erotica comes from your imagination. Let's talk about the clit. Many women know that it's the "hot spot" of the vulva with more than 8, sensitive nerve endings. But did you know that it's actually much larger than it appears? The little nub, or "button," on the top of your vulva is just the tip of the iceberg, Finn says.
The whole clitoris is shaped like a wishbone, and most of it is actually internal. What that means for your solo sex life is that you should probably get a little more adventurous.
Instead of just playing with the tip of the clit the part you can see , try stimulating the whole thing by teasing the sides of your vulva, drifting your fingers along the labia, and using broad strokes with your fingers or a vibrator over the whole vulva to build blood flow and tension.
Masturbation isn't only something you do when you have a spare 5 minutes though there's nothing wrong with a quick solo-sesh when you want one. If lighting candles or taking a hot bath or putting on sexy underwear is what gets you in the mood, then do it. And make sure to rid yourself of distractions. Lock the door, put your phone on "Do not disturb" mode Finn suggests telling your friends that you were taking a nap , and stop worrying about how many emails are in your inbox.
Just like bodies, every vulva is different. So even if you take the time to study vulvar anatomy diagrams , you don't necessarily know what your own vulva looks like. You just know the basic arrangement.
That's why Finn suggests taking a tip from ladies of generations past you know, the ones who used to throw women's empowerment parties to look at their own vulvas vis-a-vis Fried Green Tomatoes and using a hand-held mirror to take a peak. If you don't have a hand-held mirror the camera on your phone also works.
Some people with vulvas have a little flap of skin that covers the clit, Finn says. It's called a clitoral hood and if you have one and it's movable, she suggests experimenting by touching yourself over the hood, under the hood, and wherever else it feels good to touch.
For all people who have vulvas, regardless of your clitoral hood situation, taking the time to learn your own anatomy will improve your sex life tenfold. O'Reilly also suggests experimenting with different positions. As you switch it up, you'll likely find that certain positions will make your same old moves with a vibrator or your fingers suddenly feel different — and in some cases, way more intense.