Sex advice from the polyamorous. recent sex geekiness.



Sex advice from the polyamorous

Sex advice from the polyamorous

People are complex, and every person will have his or her own ideas and desires and needs in a relationship. Instead, treat your relationships in a way that respects what they are. Give each person a voice; you are having a relationship, not looking for spare parts! Listen to what the relationship is telling you, instead of trying to force it to be something specific. Being happy is not a competition! Your needs are important, and even if you believe they are irrational, they are still a legitimate part of who you are.

This is true in any relationship, whether polyamorous or not. Get in the habit of being open about problems—even small ones. Listen to yourself and to your emotions; learn to be aware when something is bothering you, and develop the tools to bring these things out into the open before they have a chance to grow. Polyamory can be a very potent and rewarding way to improve a good relationship—but as sure as night follows day, it will expose the problems in a relationship, as well.

Bringing someone into an existing relationship that has problems is likely to exacerbate those problems. The greater the problems in the existing relationship, the more unstable the position of the person joining that relationship, and the more likely that person will bear the brunt of those problems.

Is it in good shape? Do the people involved have good problem-solving skills? How good is their communication? If the relationship has problems, how will they affect you?

Will you be the person who suddenly becomes expendable if the problems in the relationship become too great? Sometimes, people who have problems in a relationship will seek to fix those problems by adding new partners. As a general rule, this approach rarely works. Of course, no relationship is ever perfect.

Do strive to be flexible This is another tactic that works for any relationship, monogamous or polyamorous. However, polyamorous relationships can be more complex than monogamous relationships, if for no other reason that there are more people involved, and polyamorous relationships benefit greatly when the people in them seek to be as flexible as possible, particularly with regard to solving problems.

Flexibility and creativity can sometimes go a long way toward solving these problems. A willingness to be flexible in the manner in which a problem is solved is an asset in any relationship. Not all the problems in a polyamorous relationship are the result of polyamory! Sometimes, your partner may love someone you yourself would not really choose to associate with. Be conscious of that fact. Like all relationships, it will do better if you pay attention to it, acknowledge it, and are conscious of it.

Your actions do and always will have consequences, even if they were not what you intended; your life is shaped by the decisions you make and the things you do. I have met many people who seem to feel disempowered in their lives. This feeling of victimization saves them from having to take responsibility for their actions; but the downside is that it dramatically curtails their ability to take control of their own lives. It can also mean that they use what power they do have carelessly.

Taking responsibility for the consequences—even the unintended consequences—of your actions is sometimes unpleasant. Considering the effects of your decisions on the people around you is sometimes a lot of work. The upside to doing this work, though, is it empowers you, and lets you shape your life the way you want while still being compassionate and responsible to the people around you.

If you believe that you are better, more enlightened, or more wise because of your preferred relationship model, you may end up behaving carelessly.

None of this is necessarily true. The second path leads to insecurity, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy. Neither will tearing yourself down. Sometimes, this happens out of simple miscalculation. No matter the reason, any time you find yourself speaking for, or making assumptions on behalf of, somebody else…look out. People who are single are sometimes seen as being less valid as human beings than people who are married, and so on.

If you look to your relationship to tell you who you are, or to define your worth, then your sense of self will always be tied up in the form of your relationship. You have power over your life. Your worth depends on you, not on your partner and not on your relationship. These ideas empower you to seek happiness on your terms, but more important than that, they give you resiliency that can help you over the inevitable rough patches that any relationship is likely to face.

Value and worth that come from within you rather than from things outside yourself, such as your partner or your relationship, can never be taken away from you. If your sense of value comes from yourself, it frees you from dependence on the people around you. That road leads to codependency. If your lover cares about you, then sacrificing your happiness will have an effect on your lover.

Do know your limits, your needs, and the things that bring you happiness Know thyself. This is perhaps the most important single thing you can do in any relationship. Knowing what you want and need in order to be happy is an excellent first step in being happy.

Forget the romantic myth that your only concern should be for the happiness of your partner; every person in a relationship deserves to be happy, including you.

You can more easily be happy if you understand what you need and where your limits are, and you can more easily build a healthy relationship if you are happy.

Doing this successfully relies on absolute, unflinching honesty with yourself. Polyamory relies on honesty, and this requires self-honesty. What are you expecting to get from your relationships? Are those things realistic? No healthy relationship is going to stay the same forever. June 18, Buy My Books.

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The Sex-Starved Relationship



Sex advice from the polyamorous

People are complex, and every person will have his or her own ideas and desires and needs in a relationship. Instead, treat your relationships in a way that respects what they are.

Give each person a voice; you are having a relationship, not looking for spare parts! Listen to what the relationship is telling you, instead of trying to force it to be something specific. Being happy is not a competition! Your needs are important, and even if you believe they are irrational, they are still a legitimate part of who you are. This is true in any relationship, whether polyamorous or not. Get in the habit of being open about problems—even small ones.

Listen to yourself and to your emotions; learn to be aware when something is bothering you, and develop the tools to bring these things out into the open before they have a chance to grow. Polyamory can be a very potent and rewarding way to improve a good relationship—but as sure as night follows day, it will expose the problems in a relationship, as well.

Bringing someone into an existing relationship that has problems is likely to exacerbate those problems. The greater the problems in the existing relationship, the more unstable the position of the person joining that relationship, and the more likely that person will bear the brunt of those problems. Is it in good shape? Do the people involved have good problem-solving skills?

How good is their communication? If the relationship has problems, how will they affect you? Will you be the person who suddenly becomes expendable if the problems in the relationship become too great?

Sometimes, people who have problems in a relationship will seek to fix those problems by adding new partners. As a general rule, this approach rarely works. Of course, no relationship is ever perfect.

Do strive to be flexible This is another tactic that works for any relationship, monogamous or polyamorous. However, polyamorous relationships can be more complex than monogamous relationships, if for no other reason that there are more people involved, and polyamorous relationships benefit greatly when the people in them seek to be as flexible as possible, particularly with regard to solving problems.

Flexibility and creativity can sometimes go a long way toward solving these problems. A willingness to be flexible in the manner in which a problem is solved is an asset in any relationship. Not all the problems in a polyamorous relationship are the result of polyamory! Sometimes, your partner may love someone you yourself would not really choose to associate with. Be conscious of that fact.

Like all relationships, it will do better if you pay attention to it, acknowledge it, and are conscious of it. Your actions do and always will have consequences, even if they were not what you intended; your life is shaped by the decisions you make and the things you do.

I have met many people who seem to feel disempowered in their lives. This feeling of victimization saves them from having to take responsibility for their actions; but the downside is that it dramatically curtails their ability to take control of their own lives.

It can also mean that they use what power they do have carelessly. Taking responsibility for the consequences—even the unintended consequences—of your actions is sometimes unpleasant. Considering the effects of your decisions on the people around you is sometimes a lot of work.

The upside to doing this work, though, is it empowers you, and lets you shape your life the way you want while still being compassionate and responsible to the people around you. If you believe that you are better, more enlightened, or more wise because of your preferred relationship model, you may end up behaving carelessly. None of this is necessarily true. The second path leads to insecurity, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy.

Neither will tearing yourself down. Sometimes, this happens out of simple miscalculation. No matter the reason, any time you find yourself speaking for, or making assumptions on behalf of, somebody else…look out. People who are single are sometimes seen as being less valid as human beings than people who are married, and so on. If you look to your relationship to tell you who you are, or to define your worth, then your sense of self will always be tied up in the form of your relationship.

You have power over your life. Your worth depends on you, not on your partner and not on your relationship. These ideas empower you to seek happiness on your terms, but more important than that, they give you resiliency that can help you over the inevitable rough patches that any relationship is likely to face.

Value and worth that come from within you rather than from things outside yourself, such as your partner or your relationship, can never be taken away from you. If your sense of value comes from yourself, it frees you from dependence on the people around you. That road leads to codependency. If your lover cares about you, then sacrificing your happiness will have an effect on your lover. Do know your limits, your needs, and the things that bring you happiness Know thyself.

This is perhaps the most important single thing you can do in any relationship. Knowing what you want and need in order to be happy is an excellent first step in being happy. Forget the romantic myth that your only concern should be for the happiness of your partner; every person in a relationship deserves to be happy, including you. You can more easily be happy if you understand what you need and where your limits are, and you can more easily build a healthy relationship if you are happy.

Doing this successfully relies on absolute, unflinching honesty with yourself. Polyamory relies on honesty, and this requires self-honesty.

What are you expecting to get from your relationships? Are those things realistic? No healthy relationship is going to stay the same forever. June 18, Buy My Books.

Sex advice from the polyamorous

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1 Comments

  1. A polyamorous relationship that works for you rarely ends up being what you dreamed or fantasized about, says Sheff, so keep an open mind. Listen to what the relationship is telling you, instead of trying to force it to be something specific.

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