Maybe a bit of advice cause I really don't understand this impulse, and since lgbt has people that have thought a lot about such things as sexual impulses and dealing with them I hope I can get some insight on myself, because it bothers me. First, I'm straight, no doubt about it. I love women, and everything prurient about them, love eating pussy, and get instantly turned on when I feel them close. I get repulsed by the thought of men in that fashion, can't stand gay porn, etc.
I've thought of doing something truly bi before, but again, since my cock goes limp at the thought, and I can't even fantasize about it, my ideal sexual situation is other-cocks-free. I like watching cocks get worked over and cumming in porn, but its because I'm fantasizing it's my cock. So to my situation I do love porn, and long slow jack off sessions, and I stumbled across the idea of jack off buds several years ago.
Since I love porn, and talking about it makes it hotter, and I'm a bit of an exhibitionist I have a large dick and love to hear about it I decided to fish on CL for a bud. I finally got the nerve to meet up with a guy with a place who was about my age, played it cool, watched his porn and jacked off. No touching or anything else, but I immediately got the vibe he wanted to handle my cock probably because he stared at it, said how nice it looked and didn't jack off himself.
Anyway, it was a new experience, pretty cool and without strings, so I'd visit every now and then for more of the same. As we got more comfortable he'd want to bring up fantasies he had about me, and that he'd blow me, jack me, anything I wanted, but this didn't appeal to me, and I'd take a break for a few months when he did. The talking was hot though, so eventually I'd want to go back. About a year and half ago I told him the only way it would work would be if he tried to look like a girl, cause that's what did it for me.
This put him off for a bit, but then one session, he looked sheepish and said "I want to be a girl for you. So that's how it started Since then, he's gotten good at knowing my peccadilloes wearing heels all the time, slutty makeup, stockings, dirty talk, lots of calling me big brother, etc and it has progressed to me fucking him and even making out with him on occasion. It's porn star time whenever I go over to his place, which is maybe every other week. Trouble is, I'm not attracted to him any other way.
He knows that and seems cool with it, but I feel guilty afterwards, especially since girls are still my thing, and always will be. Is it cool to keep this on the downlow? Or am I doing damage to myself or something for not being "out" or something like that about this. Should I just quit if that's not something I'm willing to do? It's a weird thing for me. EDIT - Thanks for the feedback.
Writing some of this out and some of the responses have helped me understand what's going on with me a little better. I appreciate that and think I asked in the right place. Despite accidentally choosing a sometimes-offensive word in the title, I tried to ask with respect so thanks for those that received it that way. Some of you others that think some name-calling is called for, what gives? So the thought of sex with a guy isn't on the menu for me, that marks me as homophopic?
By that reasoning I guess one can assume that self-actualized gay men dream wistfully about sex with women. I know that isn't the case, and the knee-jerk assessment is as ridiculous as it sounds.
To the request for cock pics - I'm tempted, but I've been on 4chan enough to know how someone might trace the fingerprint of my hardwood floors back to my residence through some insanely impressive CSI-worthy analysis just for kicks. If I had hardwood floors that is. Suffice it to say that if when I hold a tube from the inside of a roll of paper towels up beside it, it measures up quite well.