These jokes are a little saucy and come with a warning that if you're easily offended, you might want navigate away from here. Due to the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The Mrs swallowed after a blow job for the first time in 5 years last night I wonder if it's a sign she's coming out of her coma? I was in the pub the other day telling that old joke about "What do you do if you see an epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing! My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit.
Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is? When he had a bad cold his wife took her. That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!!
Tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!! A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm What sort of horse? The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade? On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me? It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you? The man yells, 'Here's my membership card.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!! The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common? A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one! Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips! It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus! The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies.
OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. Is that where the job is? GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" says Grandpa.
We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone. Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah says with a big smile He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem. I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things! Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house. The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house. Provided those wankers at Jewson's deliver the fucking bricks So, he went bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
You've got two choices. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.