A couple seeks marital therapy. The wife complains that her husband isn't interested in having sex. At some point in the middle of the session the therapist grabs the woman and kisses her passionately while she "oohs" and "aahs" with delight.
The therapist then turns to the husband and says, "See, your wife needs this every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I've got a golf game. But this was a new twist, a twist I might add, that has quite a bit of truth to it. As someone who is in the front lines with couples, I have grown increasingly aware that women have no corner on the low libido market.
After all, in a culture where virility is inextricably connected with masculinity, why would any man want to broadcast his drop in desire? Most of the data available on the incidence of low libido in men is based on self-report and estimates vary widely.
Do we really know what goes on behind bedroom doors? We found some interesting results. I will mention just a few. Sixty percent of the women surveyed said they wanted sex just as much, if not more, than their husbands. The majority of low desire men are unwilling to discuss this issue with their wives and resist seeking help from doctors or therapists.
I hate that she thinks of me as a sex object. She just has a one-track mind. Another interesting point is that the person with lower sexual desire in this case, the husband controls the frequency of sex.
He has the veto power. Not only that, he expects his wife to accept it, not complain about it and to remain monogamous, an expectation that is bound to backfire over time. Men, it seems, turn off to sex for many of the same reasons that their wives do- emotional disconnection, underlying resentment or unresolved problems, depression , stress and so on. The problem is, which comes first, the chicken or the egg?
Are men turned off to being sexual because their wives complain, or do women complain and behave angrily because their husbands are physically and emotionally withdrawn? Ah yes, the infamous catch And therein lies the problem.
When there is a sexual divide, each spouse waits for the other to change. Stalemates make marriages go down the tubes. And before I get nasty comments or emails about the fact that there are millions and millions of men who go to bed lonely,….
I know, I know. I have written extensively on this subject. Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce.