I have been dating this guy for four months. We met online but he is amazing. We both live in Brooklyn and he owns his own custom made bike shop…so ummm he is successful, very good looking, and handy. Recently there has been less contact, so I asked if he still wanted to hang out — he said yes. Then last week I texted him telling him I had a bad day, no response. We hung out two nights ago. The sex was amazing and then the next morning I asked him what was going on.
He said that he can not have a relationship right now. He said that he does not have the mental space and thats why he did not respond when I was having a bad day. So he basically just wants sex and no emotion? I like him sooo much I truly do. Is there anything I can do to change his mind about me? This also happens every time I am falling for a guy…every time…they just want sex. I feel really hurt right now.
I wish he would have told me this on like our second date. Alexis Hi Alexis, You do know the answer to my question.
You need to move on. To be clear, by moving on I mean stopping all contact — go cold turkey. Yes, you and he have a relationship. He may be avoiding a Relationship, but you are two people relating to one another consistently, there is something between you that will either continue or end. He has told you point blank he does not want to be your boyfriend. He is not even a good friend. When you needed a friend during a tough time, he did not even respond.
He now knows you are emotionally invested, and that you are undoubtedly hurt by his lack of interest in commitment. If he had any capacity for empathy, he would cut you loose now that he knows you are suffering. But I doubt it.
You said it yourself — he wants sex with no emotion. There is only one way to avoid suffering this same disappointment repeatedly. You must delay sex until you are clear on what he wants. Every one of these experiences changes you — they change all of us.
You are changing the way you see men, yourself, and the hope of finding love in your life. You need to be single and available for a man who is open to commitment. The responsibility for asking the tough questions is yours.
Plenty of guys will bend the truth when asked, even that is not risk-free. I know those conversations are incredibly awkward. A reader recently shared how his wife had approached the issue of exclusivity, which is at least a precursor to an official relationship. Check it out here: Defining the Relationship, the Easy Way. You will get better results when you begin doing things differently. Good luck, xoxo Susan.