Swinging from the unexpected highs that life never seems to set a sustainable president for and the kind of lows only the afflicted, damned and Sting could hope to imagine. The ticking of every day erodes the fine line between wanting to hold, love and care for these curious little shits and the primal need to beat upon them with whatever flesh and bone I have left. I can afford myself this metaphorical folly because I think deep down we all feel the same way about each other.
Retarded geniuses playing at a different life for a while. So what better way of degrading the people I love, than by dissecting their musical projection. We did, it is our job and a pleasure it is too. Mix tapes have almost became Peter Kay territory. The type of conversation raised amongst people of a certain of age me at uncomfortable get togethers. My own private middle earth. Cassettes were just retro Smartphone covers waiting to happen.
Before my wife was lucky enough to meet me and trick me into marrying her I did, rather unbelievably given the gift of hindsight manage to entrap other women, some of which I enjoyed months of coitus and others that actually made good on their restraining order pillow talk.
One such pig faced swine was lucky enough to underwhelm me enough that I felt inclined to put together a mix tape. An extension of what it was to be me. A chance to make this silly shitflap remark about how sensitive I was. All part of fooling yourself that you are in love. A cassette lovingly fucked up with Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine. It was to be the new home for my special gift to a not to special one. The cassette to tick the boxes that I wanted ticking.
The mix to make pig faced lady talk to her friends about me so they would look at me in a different way even when I had wet my pants whilst drunk. In its plastic hinged home and primed for presentation to this unassuming swine in waiting. I could guess because I was pretty much best friends with myself at the time and I was quite the pretentious cunt. Madame Swine face would be allowed out of the sty of a Monday evening and we would meet in a local gin pit to push bullshit between one another across a filthy table, the occasional fruit fly for company.
Bouncing towards the big shitty city on the bus my inner monologue congratulated me to the point of smugness on that veracity of my creation. She had no idea that this gift was trundling its way to be thrust into her terrible terrible trotters. Then things took a turn for the worse as this bacon faced bitch retorted with her own cassette. How fucking dare she piss on my chips.
Of course I was furious. But in particular I was angered because of the curiosity that this bag of chops had unleashed inside me. So as you can imagine i am excited to exercise my superiority whether it be via meeting, text, pigeon, smoke signal or fucking telegram. Id have my time regardless. They were Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine. Another element I failed to take into account was the fact that cassettes deplete after being recorded over again, again and again.
This results in old recordings, in some occasions, being present for a few seconds at the beginning of the cassette even when its has seemingly been erased from the history of this particular receptacle. The phone call comes and the oinking and grunt commence. Only the grunts and punctuated with squeals and tears.
Like I established, I know very little of Carter.. I do know this………now. The album I recorded over begins with a delightful composition called Sheriff Fat Man. This silly pig was supposed to be, well as happy as herself in shit.
To finish off this terrible and truthful tail, this is what happened. I got fat, I got dumped, I got skinny, we got back together, I got dumped, she married a friend we used to joke about because he was creepy and I fell in love and got married.
I made a lot of mix tapes. Frankie, Michael, Mick and Dennis have also tried to do whatever it is they do. Which is probably a good thing. You can see the full list of dates on the live page.
Finally, we will be playing a very special Christmas gig at The Independent in Sunderland on the 29th of December. Check the live page to get tickets!