V is about stopping an evil sorcerer. VI is about overthrowing an evil government. VII is about overthrowing an evil corporation. VIII is a gay romance gone wrong. IX is about a war with a sinister plot behind it. Tactics is about a war with a sinister plot behind it, but on a grid. Square Enix I is about giving your heroes funny names. Continue Reading Below Advertisement There's far more to all of these, of course -- VI ends up being about an evil clown, VII ends up being about a misguided male hair model, and so on.
But the basics can be summed up with ease, and then the intriguing details slowly unfold. Even X, where the big twist is that fantasy Peyton Manning is the collective dream of a dead civilization, starts with a lost dude fleeing a giant monster. If your nose starts bleeding, don't worry -- that is normal.
The fal'Cie are turning people into l'Cie, who have a Focus, but if the l'Cie fail to complete their Focus they're turned into Cie'th. Did you get all that? If so, please explain it to me. Square Enix There was something about how dudebros are the worst, right? It's like taking the third season of Game Of Thrones, which assumes you have preexisting knowledge of the universe, and airing it as the first. When XIII came out, some fans defended it by saying it really "opens up" at the hour mark.
If your hour game has 30 hours of fun locked behind 20 hours of incoherent garbage, you've made a bad game. That's why VII doomed the franchise even as it launched sales into the stratosphere.
VII was the first to use CGI cutscenes, but instead of realizing that a restrained 47 minutes of CGI could complement competent game-making, the lesson Square took away was "beautiful cinematics produce sales.
Bravely Default, the game Square released when they wanted to make a traditional Final Fantasy but realized that well was thoroughly poisoned, is a simple but engrossing fantasy about four kids saving the world.
Bravely Default was a surprise sales hit , but one that Square apparently learned nothing from considering that everything we know about the upcoming Final Fantasy XV sounds like overwrought nonsense.
Square Enix I'm sure it will take only 10 hours to explain why those knights have guns, though. Square first dabbled in this with X-2, where players who enjoyed Yuna's world-saving journey of self-discovery in X could now follow her pop music and fashion career. The After Years, which was thrown together with as much care as its bad sitcom title implies.
Continue Reading Below Advertisement X-2 was at least aware of how goofy it was, but its success set the stage for bloated disasters.
That's hours of gameplay! Not counting side quests! Jesus, I just want to fight an evil wizard! If only there had been a sign that strategy would backfire. On an unrelated note, which of the over Mega Man games is your favorite? Oh, and watch Advent Children and Last Order. Drag out a simple plot point with unnecessary backstory, save the world you already saved, but this time do it as an emo vampire, and watch the doodles on your junior high math book come to soulless life!
You don't have anything better to do with your time, do you? Square Enix Be careful, the box is edgy. Continue Reading Below Advertisement Then there's the fact that these games feel like grim death marches through a thousand LiveJournals.
Earlier games had serious stories, but they also had fights with a self-proclaimed member of octopus royalty and an angry old man chasing a bard around for trying to bang his daughter. XIII has characters that give endless, rambling, whiny speeches about their emotions as filtered through Philosophy XIII has a character named Hope learn the meaning of hope. If Square made a Batman game, Bruce Wayne would give a minute speech on bats, and then Bane would say that humanity's true bane is feelings.
To put it another way, VI has a character declare, "My life is a chip in your pile! It flashes bright, then fades away. It only destroys," which risks putting a permanent cringe on your face. Who wants to grind through multiple spinoffs with a character that joyless?